As you may recall, we bought the house we are currently living in roughly two years ago. I liked the house for several reasons, but really because it had some great bones and nice potential and, at the time, we needed the extra room. I have since come to discover we have purchased more house than we need, but for now we’re just going to hang on to it.

Before we even moved in there was a list of things I wanted to do to make it more our own. A few minor and one major project later and we were off and running. We stopped working on the house while I was not working to deal with a smaller monthly expense budget, but I am now back on the case and determined to update this sucker effectively and what I hope is also beautifully.

The previous owners, who are also friends that, like us, only moved a few houses down, did a nice job of getting the update wagon started, but their taste and their needs based on their furniture scale didn’t fit ours in some arenas. Lighting was one of them. Remember, I’m an accessory whore. And lighting is the jewelry of the house. You can see why this had to be addressed immediately if not sooner.

I am not a “beige” person. In previous houses I’ve had a red kitchen, butter yellow living room and apple green master bedroom. I love slate floors and fabrics and textures with great contrast. I don’t shy away from color or pattern or scale and believe there should be some glitz in every room. (Not tacky Vegas glitter, mind you. Just some sparkle.) So when this was hanging in the breakfast room I knew instantly that this was not going to make it long term.

Likewise, in the dining room, which has walls I adore, I have an enormous table (115″) and oversized storage pieces. This piece was terrific and sparkly, but not scaled large enough for the space or my table.

(nice but…)

(not big enough…)

It was however, the perfect size, color and style to replace the beige piece in the breakfast area. Et voila! The new breakfast area. (The blinds: I KNOW. They are leaving. They give me a headache with Teh Linez.)

So, you may ask, what did I put in the dining room? THIS.

(OMG the sparkle!)

I wish I had better camera skills to show you how utterly fantastic I think this thing is. It is big and scrolly and a little bit sparkly and I LOVE IT. I scoured the internet for something gorgeous and yet reasonable and I finally found this here. I highly recommend this site, by the way – their customer service is outstanding as is their pricing. You’re welcome.

I’d show you the final fixture I put up in the hallway to the guest bathroom and laundry room, but I tried to take a picture of the 1991 cut glass and brass fabulousness and I threw up a little in my mouth. This is what was put up in its place.

Much better. All the way around.

Number of phone calls to these people: 11

Number of boxes that should have never been delivered: 4

Number of boxes currently sitting in my foyer: 5

Number of boxes that might still be on the way: Oh who the hell knows.

The head of customer service and I now have each other on speed dial. To say this is ridiculous does not do it justice.

Previously, for those of you just joining the program, they said they would send me FedEx pre-paid stickers to return the items that were incorrect and shipped to me. Yesterday I called to tell them they need to send a whole STACK of those babies. And this is why:

Yeah. They don’t really blend with the décor, do they?

I actually did find a replacement piece that I wanted. They were kind enough to honor the discount they offered when this mess happened. So yesterday I speed dialed my new customer service BFF and said I had found a suitable alternative. “Great!” he said – and we were going to complete the order right then and there to make sure there were no more issues.

Well, there was an issue. You see the item I wanted read “available” online, but, apparently, was not available. AGAIN.

I suggested not so nicely that they just bring down their entire website until they get their backend inventory system problems fixed. He didn’t really appreciate my humor. He did, however, say he was going to put in a call to some controller/buyer/inventory goddess that would be able to tell us FOR SURE if it was or was not available.

Taking any bets?

Any rational person would have given up by now. Walked away and told them “Good luck and G-d speed,” and probably laughed while doing it. I am not that person. This has now become a quest. A maniacal, twisted, gut-wrenching quest. This is costing me roughly zero dollars what with all the free return shipping and discounts, so… I say let’s fuck with ‘em for a while. I’m kinda thinking that by the end of this ordeal I may just end up with a free piece of furniture. Or an ulcer.

Same dif.

There are some truths that are just, well, TRUE.

I am a tremendous shopper – and by that I mean that I can find items priced well below their actual value. I am an internet ninja that way. However, there are some times where it’s not always about quality – it’s about a solution to a problem. A fast, cheap solution to a problem.

I am very lucky to have a home office. I love it. After going back to work these past few months and realizing that I spent a good deal of time in said home office I decided it was finally time to spruce it up a bit so that I could enjoy it a bit more. So… fresh paint, new lighting, some furniture. I have a huge wall of shelves and a built in desk, but very little file cabinet space. There is an awfully ugly two-drawer metal file cabinet nearby, but, well, it’s ugly. And jammed full of stuff. I wanted a piece of furniture that would provide some additional filing storage, but look decent against a wall with some awesome family etchings above it. I found Home Decorators Outlet on the internet after getting a few catalogs in the mail about a year or so ago. I knew it wasn’t great quality, but the reviews of the piece I wanted seemed to be decent in terms of heft, functionality and design, so I took the plunge. Here is the item I ordered.

Simple, functional, cheap. I’d be happy with that.

If only these asshats could get their inventory and shipping correct. See that picture? It has DRAWERS. They keep trying to send me one with BASKETS. TWICE. The best part is this thing comes disassembled so it comes in multiple boxes for shipping. So now I have roughly anywhere from 3-6 different WRONG boxes on the way to my house not including the one that is already here in my foyer.

I called the first time when I got the shipping notification that clearly showed the wrong item. Oh, we’re so sorry, Mrs. Pammer, I’ve notified the warehouse and they’ve stopped shipment on that one and we’re sending you the correct one.

Great.

Except? Not great. UNgreat. WRONG.

Call number two:

“Hi, you shipped me the wrong thing.”

“No. We shipped you what you ordered.”

“No. I ordered Item X. You sent me Item Y.”

“Well, according to my system that’s what you ordered.”

“Do you want me to email you the purchase confirmation to show you how wrong you are? Because I can.”

“No. Here’s the item number. Go to our website and type that in. You’ll see we shipped you the right item.”

“Fine. I did. It’s the item I ordered. NOT the one you shipped me.”

“Well on my screen it’s the basket one.”

“Lady, on my screen it’s the drawer one. Figure that one out.”

“Maybe there’s something wrong with www.homedecorators.com.”

“Ah. Well, there’s your problem. I didn’t order this from www.homedecorators.com. I ordered this from your outlet site.”

“Ohhhhhh.”

“Right.”

“About done arguing with me now?”

“Um, yes. I’m so sorry. We’ll get that shipped out to you right away and give you the free FedEx labels to send the wrong one back.”

Great.

Except? NOT FUCKING GREAT. Still very, very UNGREAT AND WRONG AND OMFG!

Call number three:

“HI. You’ve now sent me a shipping notification for THREE wrong items headed my way. My foyer is not big enough to hold all your mistakes. This is too hard. Cancel all orders. You people are making me stabby.”

“Oh, noes… We are SOOOO sorry that we haz Teh Dumb. We have stopped all shipments and want to offer you 50% of your item in a refund. How’s that?”

“You’ll forgive me for this next statement: HOW DO I KNOW YOU WON’T FUCK THIS UP AGAIN?!”

“Well, um. Good question. Because I really mean it this time? And the Customer Service Manager is right here on the phone with the warehouse ripping them a new one. And we’re really not this awful, I swear. And please can we still send this to you?”

“Okay. Please don’t make me regret this decision. I beg you.”

The betting pool is now open. Is there ANY chance this can end well for me?