March 11, 2014


black lilly
I had plans to be in London and Paris next month, but I will not be there. There are a lot of reasons why, but, I believe it’s mostly because that’s not how I was supposed to go to London and Paris. It’s hard to explain, but, for those two cities, I’ve always felt everyone has a way they are supposed to go there. The answer for everyone is different – for some it’s with a friend, for some it’s alone – others with a storied love.

So, it’s okay. The right way will write its own story, in its own time.


There are these people – I don’t even know what to call them – these people that you knew a long time ago who resurface in your life and old friendships are new again and somehow there is a connection that is meaningful in a way that surprises you – and it settles you. And, for whatever reason, your sort-of-monthly lunches are filled with, “OMGMETOOYES,” and your emails are perfectly timed, and coincidences become hysterical, and secret pains are kept in confidence, and every time you walk away with some sort of lesson you never sought out, but there it was.

One of those people has to fight a horrible, frightening battle now and I am so viscerally angry about it the only initial response I had to an email about it was “JESUS FUCK,” because I’m eloquent. I want to punch something and rip my laptop in half until my hands are as bloody as my heart right now.

The Internet is as voyeuristic as it gets, but in times like these I believe there is such a think as voyeuristic inspiration. You see, in my Pinterest feed are all the images and quotes and writings my friend is collecting to mentally prepare for battle. Because, make no mistake, warriors prepare.

There is grace and strength in preparation. Blind rage and heartache for everyone affected keep me from seeing the real lesson yet, but, by G-D, though it is not my fight, I will MOUNT UP AND RIDE with a warrior any day.


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4 Responses to “Lessons”

  1. sarajoy Says:

    I love you. Fuck cancer.

  2. amieadams Says:

    I feel your rage. It makes me want to mount up with you.

    What I wouldn’t give to be your next door neighbor and hand you things to throw and destroy…

  3. Jonathan Says:

    London can wait 🙂