Here, not there

September 13, 2013

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writing

I should be in temple tonight.

I should be, but I’m not.

Tonight the idea of praying as a community and working through all of what went wrong last year surrounded by people was just too … something.  I guess I’ll start by apologizing to G-d because this year, this night, I just couldn’t do it.

Sometimes you just need quiet. Sometimes private wins.

Sometimes you just want to sit with it all, uninterrupted, even if it is a one-way conversation.

Because that’s the hardest part.

You could inventory for hours all the wrong and hurt and disappointment. The list is long and distinguished.

The question is, “What now?”

You hope, rather numbly. You hope there is forgiveness. You hope you deserve it and you work to grant it. You’ve been taught that tonight, with the right intent, you are completely forgiven, but you more likely believe and realize that once a nail is driven into a board, you can remove the nail, but the hole still remains.

You wish you could kiss the holes away.

But it isn’t about what you want.

And so, one item at a time, you say you’re sorry – and mean it. And you make a special wish for 5774 and turn the corner to see what it brings.

To all who celebrate, and those who join in with them, may we all be inscribed in the Book of Life. Amen.

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