Unsaid

June 27, 2013

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grape lollipop

First, thank you to all of you. Your comments, tweets and notes both publicly and privately were so very, very appreciated – truly. They meant the world. Thank you. The other grape lolly up there is for you.

Today was a hard day and I’d rather not do it again any time soon. I’m a little achy and a lot tired from a healthy mix of anesthesia and, well, anxiety and fear.

For all the textual vomiting I can do all over the internet, when anxiety or fear are within smelling distance I don’t talk much. Husband will tell you I stop talking altogether. There’s a running joke here about how it takes three days for me to finally talk about what’s bothering me.  But, that’s for normal life stuff. When it comes to larger fears, I just don’t talk. At all. It’s almost like it’s physically impossible for it to happen.

Not a lot of people understand this character trait, but I have (and have had) a few amazing people in my life that get this. It’s not that I don’t appreciate people wanting to help me feel better, or more at ease, or lighten the mood, it’s just that in that situation silence isn’t as heavy as sound.

I don’t know. Am I the only one?

There were a few moments today that either were really poignant or I was just mentally manufacturing a way to think everything would be okay.

The anesthesiologist was a lovely, calm, British gent. Warm and stoic. I know someone just like this – he’s one of my favorite people in the world, and his spirit was appreciated – especially in the one person I was most afraid of today. The Universe put the right person in the right scrubs for me today. It helped.

Years ago, my mom was having a big surgery and we were all worried about it. For whatever reason, I was over at my folks’ house and rummaging through something in a closet upstairs. I found a jewelry pouch filled with a set of special, meaningful pearls my folks had thought were forever lost. It was a sign – and everything turned out okay.

Today, I thought I had lost something. A tiny, silver, hand-hammered heart. My thumb fits perfectly in its grooves and it is something of a calming talisman. It wasn’t where it normal sits – and my heart sank and pounded. I couldn’t remember why I had moved it. And then I was afraid it was in something that may not have made the move. In a momentary flash, I remembered a purse I was waivering on keeping before we moved. Did I keep it? OMG what if it was in that pocket and I forgot? I rushed into my closet, and there was the purse. I put my hand in that pocket – and there it was. My heart. And it fit perfectly in my hand.

That had to mean something right? I decided it did. Just like the pearls.

Lastly, Benjamin. My sweet, gentle hurricane. Mornings are always a little excitable and hugs and kisses out the door are quick. But, today, he lingered a second or two longer – locking eyes and saying, “I love you.” Hugged me a little tighter and a little longer.  He didn’t really understand what I was doing today, but maybe he felt it?  Either way, I memorized his blue eyes and one tiny freckle.

I believe the Universe, even when Mercury is being its best bitchy self, sometimes brings you what you summon, but mostly it brings you what you need.

Even if you can’t say it.

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