Open Letter to TSA

April 21, 2010


Dear Jackholes:

How kind of you to leave me a piece of paper letting me know you have gone through my checked luggage. I can save you the cost of that flyer, however, because each time I open my carefully and thoughtfully packed suitcase it looks like a g-ddamned gorilla has jumped in and raped it. So, yes, I KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN IN THERE.

This is very simple. My clothes are on the top half, my laptop is on the bottom. LEAVE IT LIKE THAT. I have to wear those clothes the next day and I’ll thank you to not crunch them up so that I look like I’ve spent all night in the local bar and slept in them.

And? I know how I packed my panties. And because of where they have ended up I ALSO know that you have touched them in some way, you sick fucks. Am I now going to have to start packing my panties in my carry on purse like some 20-something in a committed-relationship-but-not-really-committed-enough-to-have-a-drawer to keep your pervy hands off of them?


Love, glitter and unicorns,

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11 Responses to “Open Letter to TSA”

  1. Bill Says:

    I had no idea the TSA did those kind of things!!!!

    Do you think they’re hiring?

  2. Dia Says:

    Agreed. And don’t pack (no matter how carefully) fragile gifts in your suitcase. They will get “reorganized” and broken. You are better off spending the time and money mailing them.

  3. Fiona Says:

    Makes you want to design a suitcase like those peanut in a can prank things where the snakes jump out when you try to open it 😉

  4. Knighton Says:

    I used to pack tampons in neat little rows on the top of everything else. Just to fuck with them.

    I was selected for a random search one time, and when my bag was unzipped, they flew everywhere. Onto the table and floor and just everywhere. The TSA guy turned red down to his fingers and repacked my bag without disturbing anything else. Totally worth the trouble.

    And the last time I found that little “we’ve screwed with your perfect packing” notice, nothing was out of the order, but a few tampons got lost in what I hope was a completely embarrassing moment of panic for some unlucky agent.

  5. Amber, theAmberShow Says:

    LAPTOP IN YOUR CHECKED BAG?! I shake my head at you.

    Actually, I try to never check a bag, which you can do, even for 10 day vacations, if you’re smart about it. My husband (who will never not check a bag) likes to give the advice of getting an unloaded starter pistol and packing it, then declaring it when you get to the check in counter. It’s perfectly legal without a license (since it’s not bullets, just blanks) and they have to lock your suitcase immediately with their TSA-strength locks, and then then they give you the key. Your luggage stays un-fooled around with.

  6. Jonathan Says:

    Never put your laptop in the case. Seriously. The security guys may well fire it up and scan the entire contents of the hard drive.

  7. Laura Says:

    Okay, I’m starting to think they’re confiscating tampons! The only thing missing from my TSA-checked bag last time I traveled was a clear plastic bag of tampons. At the time, I thought it was just an inconvenient accident, but now I’m starting to wonder.