There are many things about having a boy that scared the shit out of me. I mean, they are so DIFFERENT than girls. Most of the things that freaked me out before Benjamin’s arrival have completely dissipated – in fact, I think every woman should have a little boy to raise. It really teaches you a LOT about men. (But that is another post for another time.)
But then there’s the penis. Well, not YOUR penis, per se. But HIS penis. And his absolute and complete love affair for it.
There just aren’t words.
I have a lot of penis in my life. Benjamin is fascinated with it and ever since he started wearing Big Boy Underwear (Thomas the Tank Engine and Cars ONLY thankyouverymuch) he has a LOT of access to it. And really? There are days where he’d just as soon not wear pants so he and his little helmeted BFF can hang out together.
For instance. Benjamin and I had spent the day together because it was parent/teacher conference day at his school. We were, without a doubt that day, a little sick of each other. I had a lot to do and he was a little cranky that day for whatever reason and OMG the whining. By the time Husband came home and we finished dinner and for the GAFRILLIONTH time told the kids to STOP WHINING OMFG I was in desperate need of a bath.
That’s all I wanted. A bath. 20 minutes of quiet for the love of G-d.
Husband was kind enough to allow me those 20 minutes and I’m pretty sure I turned on my heels and sprinted to the bathroom. I hadn’t been in the lavender bubbles more than 8 minutes before little hands turned the knob to the bathroom door and Benjamin came walking in announcing he had to go potty.
The potty room is behind the bathtub, so I didn’t actually see him wander in. I merely sighed and said, “Okay, buddy. Be sure to push you penis down…”
See what I mean about All Penis All the Time around here?
I heard the potty flush and Benjamin announced, “I’m done!”
“Great, buddy. Close the door to the bathroom after you wash your hands.” And I went back to reading whatever mindless magazine article was in front of me.
But then out of the corner of my eye I noticed he was standing next to the tub.
“I have a pretty penis, Mommy.”
HUH?! Yeah, that’ll make you turn your head, won’t it? So I did. And I found that Benjamin had laid his penis on the apron of the tub lovingly. And was petting it. About 2 inches from MY FACE.
You would think this might have unnerved me. Well, a little. But I can’t say I was surprised. I just turned my head back to my magazine and said, “Yes, buddy. It is a lovely penis… DADDY!!?!! Could you come in here for a moment PLEASE?!!”
It’s a good thing Husband wasn’t drinking anything when he walked in. I’m not sure he’ll ever forget that sight as long as he lives.
Boys. Gotta love ’em.