There are several people who, when searching for a word to describe me, pick the word “bionic”. It is not because I resemble Lindsay Wagner in any way (I never could pull off the frosty blonde look) – but because they have seen what was required of me in day to day life and were slightly amazed at some point that I did not throw down my tools and quit or climb to the top of a tower and start shooting.
From time to time, they are very wrong. Today was one of those times.
Ike did not destroy our home, we do not have to deal with rebuilding or repairing a house, everyone is fine. But for four days we were at my folks house with at least five other people without power. And the kids. Who thought we had left to go to some sort of wonderful grandparent, aunt, uncle and cousin camp where all their wildest playing dreams could come true.
Sleeping arrangements were made – and not much sleep was actually had. No one’s fault, just the situation we all found ourselves in. And I found myself sleeping in a room with Benjamin – who bangs his head to go to sleep, when he rouses a bit, and when he starts to wake up.
We are all a bit weary. Worn out from days of trying to solve, anticipate and prioritize problems. From checking to see if the power did, indeed, come on. From wanting life to start again on its regular schedule. From desperately wanting the kids to be back in school so it would just be QUIET for g-d’s sake.
I just wanted to write. Or draw. Or search for ski cabins I may never see. Or, I don’t know, sit.
Today I was a bad mom. Today I was not bionic and did not handle things well. Today I was impatient and short and just wanted to not be a mom for a while. Today I prayed for a long weekend away – anywhere – to gather my thoughts and recharge and reconnect and eat chocolate mousse. Today I almost cried.
But instead, I took a nap.
Today some sort of divine grace closed my weary eyes for one and a half hours and my husband made sure no one woke me up. I don’t think I truly grasped how exhausted my mind was until I woke up.
There are days being a mom is wonderful – full of little giggles and silly faces and wow-look-what-he-dids. But there are days like today that crush you and it’s hard to keep from kicking yourself for being less than bionic.
But then there are the people who call or IM just to say hello. Who just want to say they were thinking of me / us. Who provide great distraction and wonderful perspective and little, tiny oases to grab on to on days like today.
And for them today, I am truly grateful.