Again with the Choices

November 14, 2006


This was quite a day.

I spent the day at home with The Swimmy today because she woke up with the seasonal cough, sore throat, stuffy head. Because of that, I couldn’t go up to the hospital because I was too afraid to bring any new germs into Mom’s ICU room.

About 8am, I was waiting for my dad to call with the update and I just kinda felt it wasn’t gonna be great news. You’ll read I was right in a moment, but here’s what happened after he and I got off the phone. I laid in bed for a moment digesting the latest findings, a bit heavy hearted (and a little too emotional because I am in the middle of the second period I’ve had since Benjamite was born – great g-ddamned timing). I sighed deeply, turned my head to look out the window at a lovely tree and saw?

Two squirrels fucking.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Okay then.

When we started this Battle, a doctor said to us Mom either has a recurrence of breast cancer that may have metastacized to the bone, or multiple myeloma – pray for the breast cancer. We were given two awful scenarios – and we prayed for the lesser of two evils.

Well, we lost that coin toss. And headed to Little Rock, Arkansas.

Mom had a rough night last night. Very restless and couldn’t sleep. She’s disoriented because she’s been in the hospital for so long and days run into nights and nights run into days. The medicine, and previous lack of oxygen, makes her hallucinate a little or have portions of conversations that she “imagines” are happening. What is frustrating to her, is that she realizes this is happening and it makes her feel out of control mentally. I imagine that’s what a beginning Alzheimer’s patient must experience.

She finally went to sleep at 5am, after they did the daily chest x-ray to see how her lungs are doing. Today’s x-ray showed no progress in her lungs – again, good and bad. But, it also showed a slight enlargement in her heart – a concerning clinical finding.

We called our cousin, a noted cardiologist in these parts, in for a consult and he said it could be the beginnings of congestive heart failure. And here’s the kicker – that’s the good news. Once again, we’re presented with a couple of shitty options – one that sucks and one that sux and is treatable.

They’re going to give her another round of lasix (diuretics) to see if we can get some more improvement in her lungs like we did the other day. If that works, we might be able to stay on that course (assuming her body can take more of that consecutively). If it doesn’t, we have to put a catheter / probe up around her heart to do a little measuring of some pressures to see if we’re faced with congestive heart failure.

So, we pray the lasix works. If not, we pray for congestive heart failure. ‘Cause it just gets worse after that.

I used to love Vegas. I loved the gaming, the risks…But I’m getting sick and tired of thinking about odds, choices, percentages, statistics… So if the House always wins, who gets to be the house in this scenario?

I’d like Mom and Dad to catch a break. Let THEM be the House for once. Let them hit it on the river card. Let them catch eight the hard way. Give ‘em Blackjack.


There. I asked nicely. ‘Cause I was raised right.

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6 Responses to “Again with the Choices”

  1. bill Says:

    Dang! All I saw today were two squirrels flattened.
    But, make lemonade or squirrel stew I always say.
    And if you want Sex on a Stick, head out to the mall. I kid you not. There right next to each other like One, Two Three are Williams Sonoma, Victoria’s Secret and Apple.
    Thank God they have a de-fib kiosk!

  2. Chris Says:

    I’m sorry. But maybe the fucking squirrels is a sign of good things to come. Or something.

  3. John Says:

    It is so against my nature to pray for bad things, but when the bad things are better than the really bad things, what is a person to do?? I will pray your parents get the house odds… it is their turn.

  4. Beth Says:

    I’m so, so sorry. I keep hoping that you are going to get a break and finally get some good news, and I will keep hoping that this is the time it happens.

  5. jen Says:

    No posty makes me nervous. I sure hope everything is alright….

  6. Sara Says:

    How is it that I don’t know you in real life, yet I am really grieving for you? Truly, I hope you are doing well — at least okay.