On the Verge

August 7, 2006

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* Author’s note: Just get ready. I’m –> THIS close <-- to my hormonal limit and I’m writing. It’s worse than grocery shopping while hungry. I’m sorry in advance.

“On the verge of what?” you might ask? I don’t rightly know. But that’s how I feel. And I totally know this is due to some wild, postpartum hormonal swings and, uh, not sleeping so much, but it is all I can do not to cry at any given moment.

Here is a moment inside my brain upon looking at either (a) little Benjamite, (b) Husband playing with Benjamite, (c) The Swimmy having a jealousy attack, (d) the Banana Republic fall line.

“Awww.”

“Wow. Look what we did.”

“OMG what have I done?!” (and not in the comical way)

“How am I going to do this?”

“Dude this is so much easier than the first time.”

“What if something happens?”

“What if nothing happens?”

“I’ve got to call the estate attorney.”

“I need to get that CT scan.”

“I can’t deal with the thought of needing a CT scan.”

“I’m sick of hurting.”

“I need my insides to match my outsides again.”

“I need a nap.”

“I need a drink.”

“I need to go shopping.”

“I need to write about this. But I can’t.”

Yes, all of that happens inside of a 5 second lapse. Over and over again. Just shuffle the order a bit. It’s like a bad iPod playlist.

And on top of all of this, The Swimmy is starting to really struggle with all that’s been going on in her little tiny world these past weeks / months. She’s had to endure missing the hell out of my folks while they’re in Little Rock, moving from school (and her little friends) to day camp (with new friends) and back again, a new baby, me being in the hospital WAAY too much, the fact that in a few weeks she will start another new school (Kindergarten), and, of course, losing Mommy and Daddy a little to Benjamite.

I know I’ve broken her heart a little and I hate it.

We have this little poem we say if anyone is going out of town for a short time:

Sometimes we’re together.

Sometimes we’re apart.

But even when we’re far away,

You’re always in my heart.

The Swimmy was pretending to go on a trip to Chicago to visit BestFriendWendy and her daughter, Jessica, this weekend. I was sacked out on the couch with Benjamite too tired and too disinterested to play. She had made waaaay too much noise for the gazillionth time and I snapped at her to please (for the love of G-d!!) go play in the other room for 10 minutes.

She picked up her little suitcase, looked at me with the most pitiful face, waved and said, “You’re always in my heart,” and shuffled away with her head down.

Breaking my own heart I can handle.

Breaking hers I can’t.

My birthday is next week and someone asked me what I wanted. All I can think of is a needle and thread to fix what I broke.

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5 Responses to “On the Verge”

  1. dee Says:

    When my little brother was born I was about the same age as Swimmy. Even though I was fascinated by the little creature that my mommy brought home, I hated him for taking my place in the family. The good part is that eventually I got over it and now…23 years later…I think he’s pretty cool. Adjustments are hard at her age, but she’ll get through it. It will help once Mommy is feeling better too and can spend a little more one-on-one time with her.

  2. Sara Says:

    Sending good thoughts your way. I can only relate a little: I’ve been leaving to study for the last few days and today after I got dressed (to be at home with the family!), my Lucy kept saying, “bye, bye” and “miss you.” Gah. Feel better soon!

  3. R. Robyn Says:

    Ah poor Swimmy. Poor Mommy! Things will probably even themselves out once school starts up. Good luck!

  4. Sylvia Says:

    I think you just broke my heart a little with that one. I wish I could give you a hug. I know it’s got to be hard as hell for you right now.
    It’s going to be a tough couple weeks. You’re all adjusting to this new little person who is pretty demanding, and even though she’s extremely bright, she doesn’t totally get it. It’s a whole new schedule of time management that will no doubt change (AGAIN – for the 900 zillionth time) when school starts – and then it will most likely get easier.
    Even though it’s ridiculously hectic right now (and I’m not even going to TRY to imagine!) is there a way you can have even a mini “Mommy & Me” day? Even something as simple as a trip to McDonalds or painting her fingernails may help tremendously.
    Good luck. Hugs to you all!

  5. Em Says:

    Everyone is adjusting … it’s hard for everyone … just let her know that you love her (which I’m SURE you already do). Nothing else you can do. :) Hang in … she will put up with you.