A post! Filled with blogging crutches like pictures, bullets and lists! Because the hospital sucks your creativity almost as much as a desk job.
Hi, Webosphere! Sorry I’ve been MIA lately. I, uh, had a baby. A little early. And was kept hostage in a hospital. And being on pain meds while blogging could have been cool, but I was too stoned to know it. I will tell you my not so interesting birth story another time because it is not filled with drama, has very little humor, and really? is kinda boring. Except for the obvious payoff.
And now! Without further adieu! Things that have happened since Monday.
Things that are scarier than the thought of labor (which I have never done):
Anesthesia. More specifically a spinal. That took three times to get in. Because a goofy-ass resident was allowed to try first.
A charming anesthesiologist who kept calling me “Sweetheart”. That I wanted to punch.
Night shift nurses.
Gas pains that are so awful I thought I was having an embellism and, perhaps, dying. No, I was sure of it.
Beef bourguignon on my hospital food tray.
Things I no longer need hallelujah and thanks to all that is good and holy:
Things I will never need again:
Things that have made me laugh since Monday:
Breaking the cardinal rule of baby boys: Never leave a penis unattended. He peed on himself last night at 3:30am. A lovely backwards arch with a bullseye right on his forehead. We were so proud.
The look on his face when he made his first “real” bowel movement. It was kinda like, “Hey? What is that? And is that gonna keep happening?!”
My OB walking in two mornings later and saying, “Hi! Want me to circ your kid today?” Sure! Whack it off, man.
Things that made my heart explode since Monday:
Innernet, this is Benjamin, heretofore known as LittleMan. He was 6lbs, 7oz and 19.5 inches long. He has blonde hair (WTF?), blue-green eyes and his daddy’s nose.
And this is his story.