1. Devise 37 different ways to punch your OB Gyn in the face for not agreeing to GET ON WITH THIS ALREADY.
2. Freak straight out about whether or not the clothes you have already washed and put away for the baby will even fit the gigantic kid punching the shit out of your diaphragm and ribs.
3. Unnerve Husband by printing baby naming invitations ahead of time.
4. Get unnerved yourself when he announces he’d like to consider changing the baby’s name.
5. Use one of the devised ways to punch your OB Gyn out on Husband.
6. Continue printing.
7. Try to keep your dog from exploding. Again. (Dog contained, by the way. Only a small leak instead.)
8. For the sake of a shorter recovery period, consider “natural childbirth” for a brief moment. Decide lack of sleep and hip pain have induced delusionary moments and move on.
9. Admire toes for the 800th time.
10. Try to conceive some cute, crafty thing you will hand make for the baby. Plan it out, know you will purchase the materials and then not finish it for one full year. Feel okay about that and move ahead with plan.
11. Pack “the bag” for the hospital and place by door. You know, just in case.
12. Discover key lime, as a flavor, is the greatest taste in the world. Commence eating key lime pie, key lime Yoplait yogurt and key lime flavored green tea soda.
13. Realize you have no baby book purchased to record any of these little moments, or anything at the hospital, and search wantonly all over the innernet for said book. Get annoyed at $150 price tags and stop searching. Consider making said book and realize you are once again delusional. Figure out how to break it to Husband you’re going to spend $150 on a baby book.
14. Realize the baby’s Pack N Play is positioned on a wall shared with the master bathroom and there is no way this kid is going to stay asleep while Husband is getting ready in the morning for work. Consider creating a Bathroom Noise Retraining program for Husband in advance of Wiggly’s arrival. Realize you are STILL delusional and will just have to deal with a man who has “bull in a chinashop” tendencies, but is an awesome husband.
15. REJOICE when the innernet returns because you missed it and everyone on it.
16. Fall asleep. At 8:30.