Girth

May 29, 2006

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I have some now. Although I keep hearing “My goodness you don’t even look pregnant!”, somehow, I think these people are either (a) lying, (b) blind, or (c) trying to be nice. Regardless, I am one uncomfortable skinny person.

I am now sleeping with no less than four pillows – including the large, decorative pillow that you are not supposed to sleep on because they are too pretty for sleeping. This highly engineered sleeping apparatus is about the only way I can get through the night without a massive heartburn issue at 3:45 in the morning. It’s kinda like a large, elevated Great Wall of China effect.

Husband thinks it’s charming. Or sending a message. Or both.

It’s swimming season down in these parts, and Husband and I decided we’d take The Swimmy over to my folks’ house to swim this afternoon. So, in deference to the nearly 2 million soldiers who have given their lives for this country throughout history, I donned a maternity bathing suit. Actually, I donned a maternity bathing suit after not being able to “groom” certain lower personal areas because I cannot see them any more… and therefore they don’t exist.

Tres patriotic, no?

This got me thinking (which really is a complete waste of any energy I have right now). At some point, Dr. HandsomeGenius ObGyn is going to start up with the lovely internal exams again and I am going to have to stop going jungle. This is going to require a bikini wax. A well-timed bikini wax that will last for a visit or two and then others closer to the actual due date.

A pregnant bikini wax. This is not the kind of experience I’m lookin’ for right now.

“Hey, Wiggly – would you mind callin’ a cease and desist on your soccer game in there for a moment so that Mommy can bite down on this towel while this nice latin woman rips her hair out of her very sensitive parts?

Thanks. You’re a peach.”

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3 Responses to “Girth”

  1. Leslie Says:

    Thats hilarious. But not a nice image to go with my honey bunches of oats….
    BTW, that last picture you posted of yourself pregnant was one tiny pregnant women….. despite what you feel like.

  2. jen Says:

    See…that is one thing I cannot do. I guess I am just of the extra-wuss variety of woman. It hurts bad enough to have my brows done…there is NO WAY I could let someone rip out my hair from my nether regions.
    I do the best I can. I figure my Doc has seen worse….!!!!

  3. Hazel Hazel Says:

    I’m with Jen on this one.