So, the Swimmy takes a dance class on Thursdays at her school. Nothing huge – a little tap, a little ballet, a little program at the end of each “semester”. I mean, she’s FOUR after all.
But, apparently, the end of year “Recital” is a Very Big Deal. There are costumes and music and choreography involved and we all get to go to the local performing arts ARENA to see these little Baryshnikovs take flight on a real stage.
And this? Requires a Dress Rehearsal. Oh, My G-d.
I received a letter today with instructions from the dance teacher (heretofore now renamed the Dance NAZI). More accurately, I received a four-page, single-spaced directive typed in ALL CAPS outlining every single thing that needs to happen for both the dress rehearsal and recital.
The only time this thing ventured away from ALL CAPS is when she REALLY meant business and typed in ALL CAPS UNDERLINED AND ITALICS AND BOLD (a type cocktail I didn’t know existed and never dared to try for fear of burning my readers’ retinas squarely out of their eyes).
I’m blind now, in case you were wondering.
This woman is insane. My favorite part of the “letter” was the phrase “DRESS REHEARSAL MAY SEEM A BIT CHAOTIC AT TIMES, BUT THE PROCESS IS SOMETIMES SLOW TO MAKE SURE THE CHILDREN ARE CONFIDENT WITH THEIR DANCE AND BEING ON STAGE.”
See? Your eyes hurt, don’t they? Sorry, but I had to share.
Perhaps by typing in ALL CAPS BOLD we are supposed to feel the chaos that is about to ensue and we can better prepare them and ourselves with massive amounts of alcohol and / or narcotics prior to arrival?
Und you shall arrive on time and dance wis glee, heir children!
Ya voll, Dance Mistress!
Really, this could have been handled in less than four pages. And certainly in normal type:
Listen up, bitches! Your kids have worked hard for 4 months and their little butts are gonna be on stage at the end of May. We need to practice, so be there, or so help me G-d Little Suzie ain’t goin’ on stage. Tough shit. Have the kids there in costume, wearing stage makeup Britney Spears would be proud of, on time or, again, sucks to be you. It’s not our job to feed your kids at the show, so give ‘em food before you roll up.
Don’t use flashes because it freaks the kids out. There are pictures and DVDs available for those of you who think the kids are ready to be in the next 50 Cent video. If you rush the stage to video or take pictures, Security will put a beat down on your ass, so sit still.
Thanks for hangin’ with us all year. Peace.
This is probably why I’m not the Room Mom.