You were just waiting for this post, right? Dad, if you’re reading this, now would be a good time to stop.
Today was my blind date with the new Ob-Gyn. 10:00am. Sharp. I even got there early in case I had to fill out a gazillion forms and health histories. It was a typical waiting room filled with uncomfortable chairs, bad magazines and patient pamphlets containing information on things I never want to have to know about. Ever. Ever, ever. Oh, and bad TV. The USA Network. I don’t think I had ever watched an entire episode of Nash Bridges until today. That media decision was a wise one.
They call me in and I get weighed, measured, blood pressured, etc. All’s fine. I get to wait in the doctor’s office so that we can chat a few minutes before the exam. This was a new twist for me. It was kind of like having drinks before dinner. (And, believe me, I was looking for a tasty beverage right about then.)
He comes in and my first impression is (a) he’s a very handsome, older man… who (b) LOOKS JUST LIKE MY FATHER’S GOOD FRIEND.
Ew! Buzz kill.
But then he opened his mouth and spoke and I realized he was NOTHING like my father’s good friend, which was better because as much as I like my father’s good friend, he isn’t anyone I wanted shoving metal instruments or his fingers in me.
So, we make small talk, he asks for my medical history, the story of my previous pregnancies, blah, blah, blah… I ask a gazillion questions all focusing on any worst-case scenarios my twisted little brain could conjure up (and, believe me, I can do some conjuring) and he basically answers my questions directly and honestly and then tells me to lighten the fuck up.
Uh, right. Got it. Next!
Well, next was The Exam. I undress and realize I had not painted my toenails and many of them had some random calcium deposits and, well, I basically had White Trash Toes going on and was openly embarrassed. You see, there was A LOT of grooming and maintenance that went into actually showing up at this appointment and, well, I forgot this step. Sue me.
So, on with the paper gown and the scooting of the ass to the end of the table commences as well as the fondling of the TaTas … badda bing, badda boom…Done! Like lightning I tell ya. Good man.
Now, this story can’t end without some HUGE portion of humiliation served up hot, right?
Right. And here it is.
My head is swimming because I am so thrilled with the quickness and handsomeness and the directness (and did I mention the quickness?) that I start to stand up a wee bit too fast and the sunglasses on the top of my head (that were acting as a makeshift headband) go flying off and down my back. I try to grab them behind me, but can’t, and lose my balance and… sit straight down on them and snap them right in half with my bare, slightly lubricated ass.
He sees none of this and I have to sit there with sunglasses in my ass while he tells me everything is okay, get dressed and meet him in the hall. Oh, sure. No prob, doc.
I spend the next minute trying to gracefully stand back up and locate the plastic ear piece that is somewhere between the table, my paper gown and my ass. The doctor excuses himself so that I can get dressed and (I’m pretty sure about this next part), begins to laugh at me as I try to extract said ass intrusion.
Yes, I’m just that cool.
And that’s how I made a great first impression on my first Ob-Gyn date. Amen.