If I didn't feel so badly, I'd probably die of embarassment

October 28, 2005


Hello! And welcome to this episode of Pammer Humiliates Herself. We’re glad you could join us!

In today’s episode, Pammer is waiting for the ADT guy to show up because her house alarm system has been spontaneously sounding like doors and windows are opening when they clearly are not.

Okay, so I’ve already lost interest in the whole 3rd person thing. Anyhoo.

It’s 8:15am and I’m in the kitchen putting away the dishes from the dishwasher when my stomach alerts me to the fact that there will, indeed, be “an Episode” a-comin’ and YouHaveBeenWarned.

Ruh roh.

*Thinking…** The ADT guy is supposed to come between 8 – 10am. What are the chances he will come and knock on the door while I’m in the bathroom? About 100%. In fact! I’m so good at predicting these situations, I’m gonna look out my window NOW, while I have 2.5 minutes before said Episode hits, and, OH, LOOK! There he is.

Sitting in his van. SITTING!

Dude, I don’t think you understand… if you don’t get your ass out of that van and start walking up here to enter my house, I WILL be in the bathroom when you knock on the door and bad things will happen.

And so, I open the door, hoping he will see me. He doesn’t. I go out to the middle of my yard to pick up the 3 community newspapers. Ah, HA! Success. I wave and say, “Good morning” and he follows me into the house. (I’m wondering if he notices the clenching of the cheeks? Please, G-d, no. I beg you.)

I QUICKLY point him to the offending door / contact point, the master brain / control box in the hall closet and two keypads for his engineering pleasure and then excuse myself to the ladies room.

Twelve lovely minutes later I come back to see what Mr. FixIT has found, and I find him standing in my kitchen, where I left him, hands crossed in front of him in fig-leaf position.

“Uh, could you tell me what the problem has been?”

“Uh, well, um, my stomach is a bit squirrly sometimes and today happens to be one of those times…”

“Ma’am, I meant with the system.”

“Oh, (shit!), right. It thinks the door is opening when it isn’t. Please excuse me.”

[crawls under a rock and hides]

So off he goes to test and beep and open and close doors and whatnot. In the meantime, Episode #2 is about to occur and I’m off to the bathroom again. I’ll spare you these details, but what is important for you to know is that the master bathroom shares a wall with the hall closet that the master brain / control panel is in.

I’m sure you can guess what happens next, right?

I come to check on Mr. FixIt again and he gives me the “raised-eyebrow-I-have-GOT-to-get-out-of-here” face and says he hasn’t found anything yet. Oh, goodie.

During Episode #3 it occurs to me that this man could rob me blind and I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. While I’m stuck in the loo, he could just walk about my house and pick up any and all items he wished to have, place them in his van and drive away. And, quite frankly, I wouldn’t even call the cops. I’d be too damned embarrassed.

And, so, thank you, Mr. FixIt ADT Guy. Thank you for not robbing me. Or stealing my dog. And thank you for not finding me the least bit attractive with my raging head-cold and stomach issues. Thank you for just fixing my alarm system and getting the hell out of dodge.

Because? Really? I think Episode #4 is uponst us.

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