An Open Letter to the People Who Can't Figure Out Their Cologne

July 28, 2005


Dear Tools:

I think there should be a law passed that says if the person 2 feet away from you can smell your cologne / perfume / bath products / body sprays, etc… that you can be spontaneously ejected from the building and arrested for acute, offensive smelliocity.

I was at lunch with friendKeri yesterday eating lunch at the bar (‘cause of course at 11:45am the place was PACKED).  We were very excited to be sharing our fabulous spinach and artichoke dip when the all of sudden Mr. SmellyPimpyMan walked up to order a glass of cabernet (why not on a Wednesday!?) and lingered behind me.  When your 1980s Lagerfeld hits my taste buds, man, you are in violation of my nose law!

And how dare you taint the spinach and artichoke dip experience!  It is a rare and savored meal and you are pissing me off with your stench-taste!  And here are a few more explanation points, asshole!!!!

This comes on the heels of having walked into my parking garage elevator to find it empty (Yay!  No polite elevator chit chat needed!)… but WREAKING of someone’s bad perfume.

(Insert sneezing, coughing and eyes burning and nose running HERE.)

If your perfume is strong enough to survive outside of a warm body all by itself – you should be arrested or have to run into my fist repeatedly.  Christ!

People, just stop it.  It is too damn hot around here to have to deal with personal stench issues on top of the heat and humidity. Have some empathy for those of us around you.  Spray with caution.  Layer your scents with body cream and spray.  And for G-dsakes SPRAY LIGHTLY! 

Thank you,


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