Two COMPLETELY Unrelated Things Passing As A Post

July 14, 2005


Welcome to my world.

Thing 1: Folks, I love food.

There is nothing I like more (uh, mostly) than a great meal. However, my Foodie obsessions end abruptly with a problematic category I like to call Texture. This means foods in their natural or cooked states that have a disturbing, gross or genuinely mushy texture. Blech.

For instance, there is something seriously wrong with cooked carrots. And peas. All of them. Cooked fruit also falls into this category. (And, yes, I KNOW this means apple pie and I don’t give a shit – it’s baby food in a crust and that’s awful.)

And while we’re at it, add tapioca pudding to that list. WTF are those pellets?! EW. And for the love of all that is holy, I beg you, STOP putting fruit in jello to be suspended like a bad science experiment. (see above)

And finally, stew. Stew epitomizes almost every Texture subcategory mentioned above… with the added nauseating benefit of cooked, stringy meat.

Okay, that’s it… Check, please!

Thing 2: Clothing Optional Aquacise

Yes, you read that right.

Husband surprised me the other day with the idea of going to


in the fall for vacation. Because OldestDaughter works for a travel company, she is afforded some groovy resort discounts. Husband decided (as a responsible parent) that we should shamefully exploit this and do it before the wedding machine fired up.

Ok! I’m in!

So, natch, in true Empress fashion, I immediately go to the two resort websites he is considering to see what kind of fabulousness I am in store for.

Blah, Blah, Blah, beach…. Blah, blah, blah, spa… blah, blah, blah, junior suite (sweet!)…. Blah, blah, blah activities…

Ooh! They have activities.

Thinking this might be more “Julie The Cruise Director” than Man in White Bermuda Shorts Fanning Me With A Palm Frond, I decided to look just to see what the old people might be doing.

7:30am Meet at Clubhouse for Run. (What are you, new?!)

8:30am Yoga & Kickboxing (Maybe on Day 3)

10:00am Circuit Training (Not even on Day 4)

11:45am Clothing Optional Aquacise

Excuse me?

Folks, there is not a memory stick large enough for my digital camera for me to go anywhere NEAR Clothing Optional Aquacise.

But, don’t think I won’t give it a shot!

I’m taking bets now as to whether it’s a bunch of middle aged guys with gold chains and waaaaay too much chest hair just happy to be NEAR any naked woman, or a bunch of semi good-looking folks taking a break from swinging.

Either way, I appreciate their enthusiasm, but, in my mind, that Clothing Optional Pool is a biology experiment with waaaaay too much body fluid involved that is not my own thankyouverymuch.

But, MAN I cannot wait to go! ‘You put dee lime in dee coconut and drink it all up…’

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